What a hard thing to talk about. Body Image, Body Positivity and a girl with an eating disorder. Since a lot of people have asked me about this specific topic. I think I’m finally ready to talk about it on the internet.
(I purposely used a picture not on my lowest weight since I don’t want to trigger anyone)
So I can’t really say when it started since there’s not specific date and it might have been there for years before signs like losing weight appeared, but I’ve always been self-conscious when it came to my body but I tried to never show it this much to people in my surroundings but there was a time maybe 2 or 3 years ago, when it all broke down. I was at a low during this time of my life and had no appetite and started losing weight rapidly (I lost 4,5 kilos in one week) but when my “mind” was recovering from that low, I started being hungry again but on the other hand I really liked that I suddenly had control over something, most people don’t have control over ( I didn’t realize that other people don’t have a problem with their body- how it should be and also that I actually had no control over anything). So I kept eating as little as possible, sometimes even throwing up after a meal ( hell yeah christmas 2013 was so wonderful … not) and started exercising til I blacked out. All that while people in my surroundings just told to to eat again…. yeah that’s so easy riiight, hell I didn’t ask for their help so why were they giving me those super helpful advices (tbh I think 5-6 years ago I was the one who made fun of those “bulimic” models and I hate myself for that cause now I know better).
So as I was dropping weight I, also became anti social (leaving the house as little as possible) and super sad but I told myself I’m going to be happy again when I finally achieve my goal weight – what a fucking bullshit thing to think
being thin doesnt equal happiness, being body positive does
So as yall can already think I didn’t became happier when I was at my goal weight. Back then I had thin hair, awfully dry skin , brittle nails and I wasn’t able to stand up without falling, cause I blacked out more than once a day. All I was was skin and bones .
Finally a little more than a year ago I decided to choose recovery, but people seem to forget that choosing recovery doesn’t mean I’m already fully recovered yet although I am at a healthy weight most of the times and I even joke about my ed sometimes (cause it helps me to cope with it), I still have those thoughts that being thin equals happiness and I still think about skipping some meals and I still look at skinny people and wish I had their bodies. It didn’t go away but I kind of got used to it.
wow what a long rant but I think that’s all I got to say about my eating disorder for now ( I just realized I never mentioned it was anorexia nervosa so here you go)